Sunday I cried.
I didn’t mean to. It kind of snuck up on me a little and surprised me. All together, I am kind of upset about the whole episode…if I hadn’t cried again yesterday, I would have brushed it off and not thought about it and everything would have been fine. Now it feels like a pattern and that means no brushing off…instead I have to deal with it.
I don’t know how to, but I am not sure when that has ever stopped me before.
I cried Sunday because suddenly I didn’t know how to keep everyone safe. I think what tipped it off was the news that there was a shooting in a park that I have walked through several times, and more disturbingly, taken the boys to.
The very news was upsetting, but also coincidentally important because I very recently got the chance to meet and shake hands with (read hug…dunno how to shake hands with someone but to say hug straight off just sounds creepy) someone who lived through one of the deadliest school shootings in American history. I wish I could say more about this person and our meeting because they are/it was absolutely amazing. They had the most brilliant attitude and grace and kindness despite the things they’ve seen and been through.
Saturday was the 14th anniversary of that shooting and once again, if all of this was a book, the coincidence would be too much to be believable. I swear I don’t make these things up though.
I’m not making up either, that the next day (Monday morning) I was driving to work and passed a beautiful, shiny, expensive looking 3000GT ?? something or other in the ditch at the side of the road.
It was sunny and light (but not too bright); there was no snow on the ground or ice. There was no glare or a whole lot of traffic…but the car was in the ditch.
I thought how awful that person must have felt afterward. I wondered if they had been texting or if they thought someone was getting too close to their beautiful car and over-reacted, swerving out of the way. I thought about how they must have thought their life was going pretty well to afford a shiny, expensive car like that…and then they ended up in a ditch.
Thinking about it, I guess there are all sorts of things that could have happened. It could have happened the night before or the car could have been stolen by joy riders or something…the driver could have had a heart attack or…been texting…regardless, a car like that doesn’t get out of a ditch like that without serious damage.
My car on the other hand?
My rusty, falling apart, doors don’t work and neither do the windshield wipers?
I think it would have to fall at altitude to damage it…I certainly haven’t stopped it yet with my incompetence…
Anyway, I thought about this all day…you could be driving a shiny blue sports car on a beautiful morning and still run off the road…maybe I will be ok?
Monday afternoon it started to snow. Monday afternoon I had to go pick up the 6yo from school because he threw up. No one understands that he throws up and then is fine…they freak out and make him go home and make him stay at home for twenty four hours. I understand the reasoning behind it, but it is still a pain.
Anyway, I am driving the 9yo to school on Tuesday, which was a very surreal experience because it was almost quiet, and we see a car run into the back of a snow plow. It was one of those big huge plows with the flashing lights and monster plow at the front.
Then, I’m thinking, dude, I guess it doesn’t matter if you think you’re safe because you’re behind a snowplow…you can still run into the back of it!
So, I cried again last night…which is a major problem, but I’m working on it. I am pretty sure I can’t keep everyone everywhere safe…the 6yo is going to throw up and everyone will think he has the plague, the 9yo will fall out of the car and as long as it is on the driveway this is ok, I will get to work safely and then turn around and slip on the ice in the carpark and slam my hand into the door…it could be sunny, it could be raining or icy…I could be following a snowplow or forget what I was doing. I can’t stop gunfire in the park. I wish I could. I wish someone could. Right now, I can only hope for the presence of mind to throw those I love out of danger and have the courage to stand up with grace.
Xb.
undeadpollyanna 