Oh, Friday, why do you always come around? It is almost as if you loved me.
My horoscope on Wednesday said that someone would write me a love poem or song. No one did. I think I might be in love with Friday though. (After all “Monday you could fall apart…”)
Only problem with Fridays is that I seem to wake up, realize it is Friday and then realize that another week has gone…and it is another week that I haven’t got anything done. I haven’t come any further to realizing my dreams.
Yes, I know my dreams won’t be realized in a week. I am not even sure most days where my dreams reside. I know the general directions I think I should take, but I don’t have a vision. When I was smaller, I used to envisage living in an apartment with a yellow kitchen and a cat…I figured I would be thin and there would be a round table and I would work somewhere important like Mother Teresa. (Perhaps I have always had a problem with the practical implication of things.)
I always have tried to make goals. I have always set myself a pace, made charts and plans, filled out study schedules like Rimmer in Red Dwarf. (Please feel free to e-mail me if you know what I’m on about.) I have made poster sized charts, color coded and neatly laid out… Sometimes I even fill them in, halfway – until I figure I need another way to organize my life. Or I forget to record a few days and loose interest because it is not a complete record. That happens a lot. I am an anal historian at heart.
I have been thinking a lot about time lately. Nearly every letter or e-mail I write begins with ‘I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long, it is hard to find time… I am a bad friend…’ Luckily, all the women I engage with are beautiful, understanding women who live equally crazy lives and accept that we can pick up where we left off without questions or apologies.
I was prompted initially in my contemplation of time by a friend and co-worker who got me thinking about how I use my time. Then I was prompted by another blog I follow : http://400daystil40.wordpress.com/2012/03/30/328-days-til-40-treasured-time/ (sorry about the link, I haven’t figured out how to do it in a savvy manner yet.)
If you cannot be bothered with the link, quoted from 400daystil40:
‘Some people really do not have a lot of time and are squeezing the most into every day. Yet, others have all the time in the world, even when their perception is that they do not have time. Those people I like to remind of this quote by H. Jackson Brown Jr. , “Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.” His words are so true, yet so hard for some to accept, particularly when they are living stressful moments in the context of their own lives.’
After reading this, I hyperventilated. Just a little bit, as I do, because I know I will never create something so important. When I stopped hyperventilating. I read on to think about dividing my days into 30 minute segments, to see where all that time goes.
I am never one to shrink from a challenge (unless it becomes too hard.) I started today trying to do as suggested:
0530-0600 – get ready for ride, stumble around in the dark.
0600-0630 – ride, marvel in how someone could ride without a light, think about having frostbite, think I was spending too much time stopping and putting my hands in my armpits to keep me from getting frostbite and wondering why I couldn’t remember any of my survival training, then thinking about how there was someone behind me – hearing the ‘boom, boom’ over the bridges then seeing no one.
0630-0700 – getting home and getting ready for work.
0700-0730 – still getting ready for work, making myself an omelet, looking for a cd that I’ve lost and burning my omelet.
0730-0800 – listening to my husband come downstairs and asking why I was still at home and then driving to work. Mudhoney screaming through the speakers.
0800-1715 – erg, work: patients, labs, paps, draws, drug tox panels, hearing ‘ – ‘ll know’ and thinking ‘oh, no! OH goodness, I hope I do know!’, high BP, twins, add ons, cancellations, drop offs, pick ups and sushi.
1715-1800 – racing to the FedEx drop off location, racing to wait in line to buy a lottery ticket – ‘I know, tax on people who can’t do maths’ and get a free pint glass cos I bought a 6 pack of porter and hoping no one called my bluff about IPA. Then racing home…more Mudhoney.
1800-1900 – food, bills and cleaning up (though I didn’t do most of this)
1900-2300 – writing and listening to conversations and tv and kids playing and that is everything about up to now.
I wonder when I remembered to breathe.
Not every day is like this. I never buy a lottery ticket and most days I get lunch when I run or make things more sane. Still, where the time goes – I don’t know. I guess it is no wonder that I never get any closer to my goals.
Goals are important – I realize this. I know this, but some days I can’t remember what my name is and have even less chance of remembering how old I am. Anytime I think of goals, I think of gaols – a symptom of my reading ahead and going back and mixing things up. Gaol is a word meaning jail. I looked up the definition and etomology trying to think of something important to say, but I’m not sure I need to say anything more than: goal = gaol = mix up with letters = poetic deep meaning. (Picture my nodding my head knowingly.)
Goals are almost as hard to declare as passions. Worse even, as you are held accountable (and should be) for your progress. I have lots of goals – and I’ve had them for the last few years. I am slightly embarrassed for it as I haven’t made any progress really.
My goals at work have been to get further certifications and to make my job more transparent. Neither have gotten further to being reality.
My goals at home have included:
– loosing several pounds (25 at least) – granted, I’ve moved from obese to overweight (yeah me!!) but i’m not closer to the ‘normal weight’ range than I was two years ago.
– paying off credit cards – HA HA HAA HA HA HAAAA!
– getting closer to nursing school – oh, well, about that…I’m scared…and time, oh, there is just not enough time…
– getting passports for the boys – their UK ones…when I have money? time???
– teaching the boys to swim – which would be easier if I knew how…
– getting the boys to a dentist – I am a good mother, I swear……
Oh, I will stop there…there are more. They all fit with my passions, which I have neglected in the past as well…
I get that if I break down the big tasks into small ones, they will get done easier. I get that if I truly wanted something, I wouldn’t let anything stop me. I get that my time is no more valuable or worthwhile than that of those who have done great things.
I get that these ‘goals’ are not as important as the BIG things I want to do with my life. Those goals are far less tangible. Far more idealistic. More squishy.
Even these goals, I listed, have seemed too big of late. Perhaps I need to break them down further.
Perhaps I need to…
Oh, I need to do so many things.
Time is a beautiful thing. People right songs and poetry about it, I still haven’t received any poems or songs about me. 😦
Still, I made an appointment for the boys to go see the dentist next week. I am 21 miles into my 500 mile cycling goal for this year and 30 miles into my 100 mile running goal.
I figure an inch at a time will still get you to your finish line as long as you are going in the right directions.
I hope we will all find our goals, best luck in making them!
xoxo.
undeadpollyanna 